Does anyone do it the right way?

I don't clean my house everyday. There are most likely dishes in my sink, Sometimes I turn a movie on that I know my son loves, so I can sneak a nap in. I don't cook dinner every night, and lunch consist of microwave mac n cheese often. I don't give my son a bath everyday. Some days I don't even put clothes on him; just let him run around in underwear.

I kiss his boo boos. I sing him songs. I suffer through thomas the train over, and over. I read him a million books. I drive around looking for "ho-ho" (santa). I watch him while he sleeps. I have dance parties with him. I take him to the park, and library. I play hide and seek with him. I laugh with him. I cry with him. I love him with my whole heart.

No, I'm not perfect..

My best friend - I miss you.

After all these years its hard to come up with things to write, but the memory of all the things I've remembered- written before is always there. You're always there. No matter what I do, or say you're always in there somewhere. So much of me is consumed by you that at times it annoys me. Its hard to let go of a person that is so much yourself. so much everything you want, need, and are. I think that if we were to see each other now, you would be completely shocked at how certain things have turned out.. but I know you'd be proud. As weak as I may be when it comes to you, because of you I'm stronger.

Its truly hard to believe that its been eight years. EIGHT YEARS. When the wind blows a certain way, or I hear something in the distance. It feels like for that split second you're really there. I close my eyes and see your face.. I hear your guitar.. I hear your bedroom door opening to go get something to drink in hopes of not waking anyone. I imagine you running your fingers across the ceiling as you walk into the kitchen. When I visited your mom after you died.. I could have sworn I saw fingerprints on the ceiling.. so I quietly stood on my toes and reached up to touch the places you had touched. I was scared to go in your bedroom.. afraid I'd see blood.. or see the way they had destroyed your room when they were "cleaning" it.. and gathering their information. Trying to figure out just who Bobby Wilmoth was, and why he would do such a thing. I sat out on the front porch with your sister.. letting her cry.. letting her tell me stories and me cry. I went to her house, and slept with the blanket you always used. I just wanted to be there.. in your life.

I wanted you in mine.

I really miss you. Things will never be the same, but I will never forget. Never is a promise.

I love you.

Sometimes it's easy to say nothing, hurt on the inside, and deny your pain. July 1st is a day I think about all the time. I dread it. Sometimes I wish that July 1st 2001 never existed. Just skip that day entirely. I think about you so much I don't even realize it sometimes. There isn't a time I hear a guitar, and don't think of you. There's so much I wish you could have seen- done. There's so much I want to tell you. I wanted to share you with the world. You had so much to give. So much talent.. so much beauty.. I am beyond grateful that you shared that with me. This flame that burns inside of me, burns stronger because I knew you. All of my stories about you have been told. I never get tired of them I just wish I had more. More stories.. more time.. more love.. more you. If I listen closely I can hear your voice. I bet you hate the way I've dealt with this. I just can't handle you and gone in the same sentence. It seems like a bad dream, with distorted images. Traces left on paper. Maybe I'm not the strongest person, but this has shown me that I am strong. I can deal with the uncertain.. shock.. greif.. agony.. and the great things. I've grown so much because of this.. because of you. That old saying "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger" really rings true.

Your birthday is soon. I will celebrate it for you. I wish we could celebrate together.

Bobby, I hope that you've found your peace.
I love you.
I will forever miss you.
Sweet dreams.....

Because She Would Ask Me Why I Loved Her
by Christopher Brennan (1870-1932)
If questioning would make us wise
No eyes would ever gaze in eyes;
If all our tale were told in speech
No mouths would wander each to each.
Were spirits free from mortal mesh
And love not bound in hearts of flesh
No aching breasts would yearn to meet
And find their ecstasy complete.
For who is there that lives and knows
The secret powers by which he grows?
Were knowledge all, what were our need
To thrill and faint and sweetly bleed?
Then seek not, sweet, the "If" and "Why"
I love you now until I die.
For I must love because I live
And life in me is what you give.

It's that time of year..

When I was 17 I ran away from home. I got a plane, for the first time EVER and went to Canada. I thought I knew exactly what I was doing. I lived in North Bay, Ontario for a year. During the time that I was there Thanksgiving rolled around, and I figured I've helped my mom enough for years making dinner so I obviously could make my own up in that cold, cold place! I tried to make dressing. It was hard as a rock. I tried to make a turkey. It was dry as a bone. I tried to make pecan pie.. well.. it was just an ooey gooey mess. I remember that day like it was yesterday. It's hard to believe it's been TEN years. Needless to say, my thanksgiving dinner has improved TREMENDOUSLY. I would venture to say that I'm a pretty (awesome) good cook!
So, I thought I would share my thanksgiving menu
Turkey (obviously)
Cornbread Dressing (which I have mastered!)
Sweet Potato Souffle
Squash Casserole
Deviled Eggs with spicy brown mustard(!!)
Green Bean Casserole
AND Pineapple upside-down cake

In my family, Thanksgiving is not right unless you have a pineapple upside-down cake. My pawpaw used to make it every year. I'm sure my sister has stuff to add to this list, but that's JUST what I'M making. And since it's Thanksgiving time, I'm gonna add a list of things I am thankful for. I hope everyone has a great holiday season!

I am thankful for:
My boyfriend, Roy. We may not always see eye to eye on everything, but there isn't a moment that I ever truly doubt his love for me. And loving has got to be hard sometimes!

My sweet little man, Declan. Seeing such an amazing little boy every morning when I wake up, and knowing that he is mine.. I can never be thankful enough. In a lot of ways he saved my life.

My family: Mom, Dad, Sarah(sister), JJ(brother) and the rest of the bunch! You guys have always been there. Good, bad, and downright ugly. I know when the going gets tough I have my family to back me up, and keep me going.

My best friend, S. She and i have truly been to hell and back together. We have had times where we didn't talk for an extended amount of time, but I've ALWAYS known she is just a phone call away. I hope she knows the same it true for me. We share so much together. My hetero life partner.

I am also thankful to have a job still. I know how lucky I am. I am thankful for so many more things.. writing the whole list would take me hours!

Happy Holidays. Cling tight to the ones you love, and be thankful for what you have! It's not always about what we don't have.

Abbie

Day at the park,,

I work graveyard (that is about to change) so I am tired 90% of the time. Yesterday I decided to take my son to the park, because the weather was so nice. I took him to a section of the park that looks like a pirate ship. He played there for about 45 minutes with two other kids, until the crowd came in. When I say crowd I mean, school must have been over and it was time for the older kids to take over. Plus, I was tired of the girl he was playing with telling her brother to "chase that little girl" His hair isn't even that long!!!! He was wearing a shirt that said "Ladies Man"... another subject.. another time. We walked past the dog park area, stopped and watched the dogs for a bit and made it over to our normal play area. It's a small fenced in area, that is OBVIOUSLY meant for toddlers. There were three guys hanging out there. As we got closer I could smell weed. Then I noticed that one of them was lying inside the tube slide tagging it up. Look, I don't care if you smoke weed. Hell, some people need to... but really?! You have to do it at the section that is obviously meant for small children. What pissed me off more than the weed was the fact that they were painting INSIDE the slide. I mean, if they had left and we arrived not long after them my son would have gone down the slide and been covered by paint. Not cool.

A few years before I had my son I was involved in an accident (I'll tell that story another time, as well!) and the police officer could smell weed on me. He bluntly told me, "I don't care if you smoke weed.. just do it in your apartment.." That's the way I feel about it. If you're gonna do it.. do it on your time, and place.. not whats meant for kids. Also, it's not cool to wreck things meant for small children. I get the whole tagging as art thing, and I'm cool with that. Putting tags inside a slide is not art. It's a crime. Buzz off.

Working Mom

I've worked at SBUX for four years. In those four years I have worked in five differint stores. Some store changes have been by choice, and others have not. My third store was one of the first in the country to close after Starbucks announced they would be closing 100+ stores. It broke my heart. The people I worked with in that store were like family to me. We went through a lot together. Our store manager told us all about 7 months after working together that she found out that she had breast cancer. I love that woman. She fought long and hard, and beat it.. but we couldn't save our store. The money just wasn't coming in. We were all pretty devistated because we wanted nothing more than to stick together as we had been doing for length of time we stood behind our manager. Giving her our strength, dedication, and love. Big business doesn't care about love. They care about money. So, when that store closed I was moved to a store that was 24 hours. After working there and having my boy in daycare for a couple months, I was asked to work graveyard. I hated the idea of it at first. I quickly realized that it meant that I could take my son out of daycare, and I could actually care for him the way that I wanted to. Even though I would only be getting 4-5 hours a sleep a day. So, I worked at the fifth store for over a year when I was told we would no longer be able to be 24 hours, because again.. the money just wasn't coming in. WHAT was I supposed to do!?! Well, I found out another 24 hour store in town needed me! I was thrilled. All of my excitement quickly went out the door when I discovered that I was not going to fit in at the new store, and it was going to bring me down, down, down. What could I do though, I had to keep working. This was my only option. I provide insurance. I will suffer with the best of them to make sure that I don't have to worry if my son gets sick how will I be able to afford it. I've been at this new store for about two months now. Two days ago I got to work and their was a note for me to call the manager. I did. She informed that they no longer needed me, and asked me if I would be interested in either stepping down, or moving stores. I don't like either of those options, but again.. I have to deal. I am at a place now where I have to figure out how, and what I have to do to change my life around so that I can continue to work, and provide insurance. I have two weeks to find a store that can offer me an opening (4am-noon) shift so that I don't have to put my boy back in daycare. I am scared. I am frustrated. I don't know exactly what is going to happen, but I do know that everything happens for a reason. Why does being a working mom, being the provider of insurance, and being a good mom have to be so complicated? I wish there were an answer to that one.

THAT to THIS!?!

Boy, life sure does change a lot. Everyday I am amazed at how much mine has changed. I went from being a crazy punk with jobs like being a pornbot, (chatting with people on yahoo and making them think I was the girl in the pictures wanting to show her stuff on the webcam) driving across the country with no destination, taking greyhound from vegas to atlanta umpten times because I was too broke to fly, doing lots of drugs, and every friday was a celebration if I could come up with the ten bucks it took to get a bottle of jagermeister. I was homeless. I did a lot of couch surfing. I was never a drug addict, but I probably was an alcoholic. Hell, I admit it I like my whiskey. Me and jager don't get along anymore though. I don't drink nearly as much as I used to. I have way too many memories of throwing up, fighting, taking my clothes off and jumping in pools, and so on.. I have to say I have a lot of great rebellious memories that I will take with me forever, but nothing compares to when I come home from work and I peak in my sons room and see him sleeping, or when he gets RIGHT up in my face in the morning after I've worked all night and just wants to tell me how much he loves me. Sometimes I just sit there and think to myself.. how the hell did I come from THAT to THIS!?

My life is good. I am still that crazy punk rock chick who doesn't care what people think. The only difference is I have someone to worry about other than myself. I used to say I never wanted kids because I knew I was too selfish and to be a parent you have to give up so much, but what was I really giving up? Drugs, and alcohol? Partying? I think the one thing that was really hard for me was the fact that I'm a get up and leave kind of person, and you just can't do that with kids. You gotta think about how you're going to feed them, keep them warm at night, and show them mommy is a strong woman who loves me and will always be there for me. I miss the adventure of getting in the car and not knowing where I'm going and when I'll be back. There is a new found love of stability though.

I guess in different ways we all as women deal with this. Who am I as a person versus Who am I as a mother?

I'm working on that.

Beginning or something like it.

Sometime about four years ago, my life was completely differint. I never thought that I would have kids, and then.. you get the news. You're going to be a mom. Wow. What an extreme responsiibility I just took on. I can't do this. Yes, I can. Three years later, I have an amazing albeit HYPER little boy whom I wouldn't give up for anything in this world.

I remember when I was a little kid I used to think that we were all living life as if someone out there were reading our story to their kids. Does that make sense? As if, that "person" were turning the pages, and finding out more and more about us as they got deeper into the book. It's a strange thought for a kid to have. If it were true, I am certain the "person" that had been reading my "book" is completely shocked at how things have turned out.

I start this blog because I have a lot in me that I need to get out. I will write about my adventures with my son, my life as a barista, girlfriend to a rocker, and the many adventures I have faced along the road that got me here today and leads me to tomorrow.

I hope you enjoy. If not, that's ok too.. you can just keep walkin'!