Working Mom

I've worked at SBUX for four years. In those four years I have worked in five differint stores. Some store changes have been by choice, and others have not. My third store was one of the first in the country to close after Starbucks announced they would be closing 100+ stores. It broke my heart. The people I worked with in that store were like family to me. We went through a lot together. Our store manager told us all about 7 months after working together that she found out that she had breast cancer. I love that woman. She fought long and hard, and beat it.. but we couldn't save our store. The money just wasn't coming in. We were all pretty devistated because we wanted nothing more than to stick together as we had been doing for length of time we stood behind our manager. Giving her our strength, dedication, and love. Big business doesn't care about love. They care about money. So, when that store closed I was moved to a store that was 24 hours. After working there and having my boy in daycare for a couple months, I was asked to work graveyard. I hated the idea of it at first. I quickly realized that it meant that I could take my son out of daycare, and I could actually care for him the way that I wanted to. Even though I would only be getting 4-5 hours a sleep a day. So, I worked at the fifth store for over a year when I was told we would no longer be able to be 24 hours, because again.. the money just wasn't coming in. WHAT was I supposed to do!?! Well, I found out another 24 hour store in town needed me! I was thrilled. All of my excitement quickly went out the door when I discovered that I was not going to fit in at the new store, and it was going to bring me down, down, down. What could I do though, I had to keep working. This was my only option. I provide insurance. I will suffer with the best of them to make sure that I don't have to worry if my son gets sick how will I be able to afford it. I've been at this new store for about two months now. Two days ago I got to work and their was a note for me to call the manager. I did. She informed that they no longer needed me, and asked me if I would be interested in either stepping down, or moving stores. I don't like either of those options, but again.. I have to deal. I am at a place now where I have to figure out how, and what I have to do to change my life around so that I can continue to work, and provide insurance. I have two weeks to find a store that can offer me an opening (4am-noon) shift so that I don't have to put my boy back in daycare. I am scared. I am frustrated. I don't know exactly what is going to happen, but I do know that everything happens for a reason. Why does being a working mom, being the provider of insurance, and being a good mom have to be so complicated? I wish there were an answer to that one.

THAT to THIS!?!

Boy, life sure does change a lot. Everyday I am amazed at how much mine has changed. I went from being a crazy punk with jobs like being a pornbot, (chatting with people on yahoo and making them think I was the girl in the pictures wanting to show her stuff on the webcam) driving across the country with no destination, taking greyhound from vegas to atlanta umpten times because I was too broke to fly, doing lots of drugs, and every friday was a celebration if I could come up with the ten bucks it took to get a bottle of jagermeister. I was homeless. I did a lot of couch surfing. I was never a drug addict, but I probably was an alcoholic. Hell, I admit it I like my whiskey. Me and jager don't get along anymore though. I don't drink nearly as much as I used to. I have way too many memories of throwing up, fighting, taking my clothes off and jumping in pools, and so on.. I have to say I have a lot of great rebellious memories that I will take with me forever, but nothing compares to when I come home from work and I peak in my sons room and see him sleeping, or when he gets RIGHT up in my face in the morning after I've worked all night and just wants to tell me how much he loves me. Sometimes I just sit there and think to myself.. how the hell did I come from THAT to THIS!?

My life is good. I am still that crazy punk rock chick who doesn't care what people think. The only difference is I have someone to worry about other than myself. I used to say I never wanted kids because I knew I was too selfish and to be a parent you have to give up so much, but what was I really giving up? Drugs, and alcohol? Partying? I think the one thing that was really hard for me was the fact that I'm a get up and leave kind of person, and you just can't do that with kids. You gotta think about how you're going to feed them, keep them warm at night, and show them mommy is a strong woman who loves me and will always be there for me. I miss the adventure of getting in the car and not knowing where I'm going and when I'll be back. There is a new found love of stability though.

I guess in different ways we all as women deal with this. Who am I as a person versus Who am I as a mother?

I'm working on that.

Beginning or something like it.

Sometime about four years ago, my life was completely differint. I never thought that I would have kids, and then.. you get the news. You're going to be a mom. Wow. What an extreme responsiibility I just took on. I can't do this. Yes, I can. Three years later, I have an amazing albeit HYPER little boy whom I wouldn't give up for anything in this world.

I remember when I was a little kid I used to think that we were all living life as if someone out there were reading our story to their kids. Does that make sense? As if, that "person" were turning the pages, and finding out more and more about us as they got deeper into the book. It's a strange thought for a kid to have. If it were true, I am certain the "person" that had been reading my "book" is completely shocked at how things have turned out.

I start this blog because I have a lot in me that I need to get out. I will write about my adventures with my son, my life as a barista, girlfriend to a rocker, and the many adventures I have faced along the road that got me here today and leads me to tomorrow.

I hope you enjoy. If not, that's ok too.. you can just keep walkin'!