Boy, life sure does change a lot. Everyday I am amazed at how much mine has changed. I went from being a crazy punk with jobs like being a pornbot, (chatting with people on yahoo and making them think I was the girl in the pictures wanting to show her stuff on the webcam) driving across the country with no destination, taking greyhound from vegas to atlanta umpten times because I was too broke to fly, doing lots of drugs, and every friday was a celebration if I could come up with the ten bucks it took to get a bottle of jagermeister. I was homeless. I did a lot of couch surfing. I was never a drug addict, but I probably was an alcoholic. Hell, I admit it I like my whiskey. Me and jager don't get along anymore though. I don't drink nearly as much as I used to. I have way too many memories of throwing up, fighting, taking my clothes off and jumping in pools, and so on.. I have to say I have a lot of great rebellious memories that I will take with me forever, but nothing compares to when I come home from work and I peak in my sons room and see him sleeping, or when he gets RIGHT up in my face in the morning after I've worked all night and just wants to tell me how much he loves me. Sometimes I just sit there and think to myself.. how the hell did I come from THAT to THIS!?
My life is good. I am still that crazy punk rock chick who doesn't care what people think. The only difference is I have someone to worry about other than myself. I used to say I never wanted kids because I knew I was too selfish and to be a parent you have to give up so much, but what was I really giving up? Drugs, and alcohol? Partying? I think the one thing that was really hard for me was the fact that I'm a get up and leave kind of person, and you just can't do that with kids. You gotta think about how you're going to feed them, keep them warm at night, and show them mommy is a strong woman who loves me and will always be there for me. I miss the adventure of getting in the car and not knowing where I'm going and when I'll be back. There is a new found love of stability though.
I guess in different ways we all as women deal with this. Who am I as a person versus Who am I as a mother?
I'm working on that.
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Fascinating. I'm a mild partier, but I definitely wonder if the bio clock will start ticking someday and make me want to give up late nights & sleep-ins for the joy of having a little person.
ReplyDeleteI was talking about this with my roommate tonight, actually. Only time will tell! :P