Honesty

I am a very screwed up person. I mean that in the most sincere way possible. My life has been filled with crisis, drama, problems.. Whatever you want to call it. When I was a very young kid my father hung himself. He was always in and out of jail, and honestly my mom just had enough. She wrote him a letter, and told him she wanted a divorce. He hung himself with his bed sheets. Before he did that he wrote my mom and sister a letter. He left me out. I think that messed me up more than him actually killing himself. In his most selfish moment he stopped to think about them, but not me. Why not me? I'll never have an answer to that question. You know, that was just the beginning of a life that truly fucked up my head. I was molested by three different people. All of whom I am related to, and still have broken interaction with because I didn't want to "put a strain on the family". You know, there is just too much bullshit to list. I've ran away (literally and through other means) to every problems I've ever had, because getting away from it just made things a lot easier, but on wednesday night my world came crashing down. I was perfectly fine. Hanging out, drinking, having a good time until I got in the car with my friend. We started talking about some really deep subjects. Sitting in her car pouring TWO bottles of vodka down my throat..on top of the 5-6 jack and cokes I already consumed. We went to get something to eat (seriously, so thankful we did not die, or harm anyone else. Don't drink and drive), and she said something that pissed me off. I threw food all over her, inside her car and punched her in the face. She tried to take me home, but I jumped out of the car. I was picked up by the police while walking in the street. Apparently I told them that if they took me to jail I would kill myself, and that must be why I woke up in a hospital, strapped to the bed under a psychiatric hold. I had no I.D. on me, or anything. I could have easily been raped, murdered, or any other horrible thing you can think of. I have a problem. I need help. I have deep-rooted issues that haunt me, and I cover it up with a smile and a joke. I pretend that everything is ok, but clearly it is not. I'm scared. I don't know what to do, but I want to be a good mother to my son. I want him to have happy childhood memories. Not memories of a drunk, depressed mother.

I'm hoping that by putting myself out here like this, it will force me to actually get help for all the things I cover up.

I'm not a bad person. I don't want to come across as a victim, or someone seeking attention. I am, for once being completely honest about the person I am.