Honesty

I am a very screwed up person. I mean that in the most sincere way possible. My life has been filled with crisis, drama, problems.. Whatever you want to call it. When I was a very young kid my father hung himself. He was always in and out of jail, and honestly my mom just had enough. She wrote him a letter, and told him she wanted a divorce. He hung himself with his bed sheets. Before he did that he wrote my mom and sister a letter. He left me out. I think that messed me up more than him actually killing himself. In his most selfish moment he stopped to think about them, but not me. Why not me? I'll never have an answer to that question. You know, that was just the beginning of a life that truly fucked up my head. I was molested by three different people. All of whom I am related to, and still have broken interaction with because I didn't want to "put a strain on the family". You know, there is just too much bullshit to list. I've ran away (literally and through other means) to every problems I've ever had, because getting away from it just made things a lot easier, but on wednesday night my world came crashing down. I was perfectly fine. Hanging out, drinking, having a good time until I got in the car with my friend. We started talking about some really deep subjects. Sitting in her car pouring TWO bottles of vodka down my throat..on top of the 5-6 jack and cokes I already consumed. We went to get something to eat (seriously, so thankful we did not die, or harm anyone else. Don't drink and drive), and she said something that pissed me off. I threw food all over her, inside her car and punched her in the face. She tried to take me home, but I jumped out of the car. I was picked up by the police while walking in the street. Apparently I told them that if they took me to jail I would kill myself, and that must be why I woke up in a hospital, strapped to the bed under a psychiatric hold. I had no I.D. on me, or anything. I could have easily been raped, murdered, or any other horrible thing you can think of. I have a problem. I need help. I have deep-rooted issues that haunt me, and I cover it up with a smile and a joke. I pretend that everything is ok, but clearly it is not. I'm scared. I don't know what to do, but I want to be a good mother to my son. I want him to have happy childhood memories. Not memories of a drunk, depressed mother.

I'm hoping that by putting myself out here like this, it will force me to actually get help for all the things I cover up.

I'm not a bad person. I don't want to come across as a victim, or someone seeking attention. I am, for once being completely honest about the person I am.

Seperate Rooms

It all started when I was pregnant. I had restless leg syndrome, and didn't sleep well so I started sleeping in our spare bedroom. When Declan was born it was just easier some nights if he, and I stayed in a room alone. Then when I started working graveyard I wouldn't get home until 5 in the morning and didn't want to bother my boyfriend so I just slept in the spare bedroom. Honestly, the only time we shared a bed was on my days off. Two days a week. Sex life? You do the math. Now the restless leg stuff doesn't bother me. Declan sleeps own his own a lot. I no longer work graveyard, but for the better part of four years I've been sleeping alone. Since I work a pretty normal schedule now, I sleep in the bed with my boyfriend a little more often than two days a week, but I wouldn't call it normal by any stretch of the imagination. I KNOW this is not good for my relationship. It doesn't have anything to do with him. I have just gotten so comfortable sleeping alone. The other day he told me he felt like we were just roommates, and it broke my heart. I don't want to hurt him. I'm gonna be honest.. I'm not a very sexual person. I never have been. Maybe I'm more comfortable sleeping alone because I don't have to worry about that part of sharing a bed with a man. I know this bothers him, but I don't know how to fix it. This is our number one argument. This is probably our only real argument. I'm scared for our relationship. Should I go talk to someone? My friends just think I'm weird. One has accused me of 'not really liking' my boyfriend, which isn't the case at all. There is definitely something wrong. I don't know if I can fix it by myself. As I type this.. I am in one room, and he is sleeping in the other. He is frustrated with me. He thinks I don't love him anymore.

I do. I love him, and I want to fix this.. I just don't know how. I feel very lost, and broken. I want to make him happy. I want us to be happy together, but that isn't going to happen if we're not even in the same room.

I don't want him to give up on me.. On us.