the years go by so quickly..

His hands were big, and you could tell they had been used for a lifetime of hard work, but there was a gentleness to them. I remember them so clearly. My pawpaw was a mans man. Since my dad died my pawpaw was the man in my life. My grandparents lived in a trailer park, but all of the trailers had been added onto. There is a small town in georgia that has 15-20 houses that my paw paw built with his bare hands. When they tore down a bowling alley nearby he went and got the wood. The trailer my grandparents had, had burnt down. The only thing left was the base, and wheels that they rolled it in on. He took that wood from the bowling alley and used it to start the floors in their house. I can still remember sliding across those floors as a kid. I remember so much about him. Their house was on a hill that went down to the lake. I used to ride my big wheel down right into the lake! My sister and I would spend the night there a lot. They had a huge screened in back porch with astro turf, potted plants, and lawn chairs all over the place. We would sleep out there sometimes. When I think about summertime, I think about that back porch. When I close my eyes I can see every nook and crany in that house. During the school year we would take the bus to their house everyday. He would be waiting for us, with change in hand so we could get an ice cream from the ice cream truck. I remember his blue pickup, and white work van always being in the driveway when we got there. He was always there. I was eight years old when he died. I remember that day like it was yesterday. We got off the school bus and his van wasn't there. I'm not sure what I thought about that at first, but I do remember I noticed immediately. He drove himself to Atlanta to the hospital while having a heart attack. He never came home. This year it will be twenty years that he's been gone, and I still remember everything about him. I remember the way he laughed. I remember what players he didn't like on the Braves. I remember how he would shake his glass and say "Dot could I get s'more tea?" (Dot is my mawmaw) I remember the night my brother was born.. My sister and I had to stay at my aunts house and he came over to make sure "his girls" were okay. I remember sitting in his lap, and him letting me drive! It makes me sad that we live on the other side of the country and my son won't spend as much time with his grandparents as I did with mine. When the time comes.. I hope he has many fond memories. Ellis Beckwith is my pawpaw. He will always live on in my heart. The eight years I shared the planet with him are some of the most meaningful years of my life. 20 years later, and I still miss you. Thank you for loving me, and being there during the hard times. You made my childhood truly special. I love you pawpaw.

I got her back..

When I met my best friend I knew right away she was different than anyone I had ever met before. I felt instantly connected to her. She came with a mutual friend to my house for a Halloween party. We hung out all night. She told me she had an extra ticket to a Marilyn Manson concert, and asked me if I wanted to go. I did! We went and had an awesome time. I don't really listen to Manson much anymore, but there are songs that take me right back to that night. I close my eyes and see her on her friends shoulders, singing along to every word. I still feel that emotion. I found someone who understood. Who really got it. She felt the same way I did. She was damaged in the same way. Many years later and we have been to hell and back. We lived together for a long time.. We had spurts of time where we didn't talk to each other. Sometimes by our own choice and sometimes forced by another person. I lost her for three years. Her boyfriend would not let us talk to each other. He was jealous of our closeness. We don't even have to say a word, just look at each other and we can have a whole conversation. She is one of the strongest people I have ever known, and she got lost in an abusive relationship. Three years ago this month she called me at 4 in the morning. I had not spoken to her in a very long time. She was crying, said he was in the shower and she grabbed a trash bag of her belongings, left everything else and ran. She asked me if I would come get her. I didn't even take a breathe. I woke my boyfriend and told him I was going to LA to get her. I cried the whole way there. I was scared in the amount of time it took me to get to LA from Vegas she would have changed her mind, or he would find her. When I got there, I grabbed her things and quickly got her in my car. I didn't want one more second of her being controlled by some abusive asshole to have a chance. We talked, cried, sat in silence with tears streaming down both of our faces, and sang some of our favorite songs all the way back to my house. I am lucky. She is lucky. She's lucky she made it out of a really bad situation, and I'm lucky to have my friend back. She is now happily married to an amazing man who treats her like the strong, beautiful women she is, and that is all I have ever wanted for her. To love, and really be loved in return. .

Honesty

I am a very screwed up person. I mean that in the most sincere way possible. My life has been filled with crisis, drama, problems.. Whatever you want to call it. When I was a very young kid my father hung himself. He was always in and out of jail, and honestly my mom just had enough. She wrote him a letter, and told him she wanted a divorce. He hung himself with his bed sheets. Before he did that he wrote my mom and sister a letter. He left me out. I think that messed me up more than him actually killing himself. In his most selfish moment he stopped to think about them, but not me. Why not me? I'll never have an answer to that question. You know, that was just the beginning of a life that truly fucked up my head. I was molested by three different people. All of whom I am related to, and still have broken interaction with because I didn't want to "put a strain on the family". You know, there is just too much bullshit to list. I've ran away (literally and through other means) to every problems I've ever had, because getting away from it just made things a lot easier, but on wednesday night my world came crashing down. I was perfectly fine. Hanging out, drinking, having a good time until I got in the car with my friend. We started talking about some really deep subjects. Sitting in her car pouring TWO bottles of vodka down my throat..on top of the 5-6 jack and cokes I already consumed. We went to get something to eat (seriously, so thankful we did not die, or harm anyone else. Don't drink and drive), and she said something that pissed me off. I threw food all over her, inside her car and punched her in the face. She tried to take me home, but I jumped out of the car. I was picked up by the police while walking in the street. Apparently I told them that if they took me to jail I would kill myself, and that must be why I woke up in a hospital, strapped to the bed under a psychiatric hold. I had no I.D. on me, or anything. I could have easily been raped, murdered, or any other horrible thing you can think of. I have a problem. I need help. I have deep-rooted issues that haunt me, and I cover it up with a smile and a joke. I pretend that everything is ok, but clearly it is not. I'm scared. I don't know what to do, but I want to be a good mother to my son. I want him to have happy childhood memories. Not memories of a drunk, depressed mother.

I'm hoping that by putting myself out here like this, it will force me to actually get help for all the things I cover up.

I'm not a bad person. I don't want to come across as a victim, or someone seeking attention. I am, for once being completely honest about the person I am.

Seperate Rooms

It all started when I was pregnant. I had restless leg syndrome, and didn't sleep well so I started sleeping in our spare bedroom. When Declan was born it was just easier some nights if he, and I stayed in a room alone. Then when I started working graveyard I wouldn't get home until 5 in the morning and didn't want to bother my boyfriend so I just slept in the spare bedroom. Honestly, the only time we shared a bed was on my days off. Two days a week. Sex life? You do the math. Now the restless leg stuff doesn't bother me. Declan sleeps own his own a lot. I no longer work graveyard, but for the better part of four years I've been sleeping alone. Since I work a pretty normal schedule now, I sleep in the bed with my boyfriend a little more often than two days a week, but I wouldn't call it normal by any stretch of the imagination. I KNOW this is not good for my relationship. It doesn't have anything to do with him. I have just gotten so comfortable sleeping alone. The other day he told me he felt like we were just roommates, and it broke my heart. I don't want to hurt him. I'm gonna be honest.. I'm not a very sexual person. I never have been. Maybe I'm more comfortable sleeping alone because I don't have to worry about that part of sharing a bed with a man. I know this bothers him, but I don't know how to fix it. This is our number one argument. This is probably our only real argument. I'm scared for our relationship. Should I go talk to someone? My friends just think I'm weird. One has accused me of 'not really liking' my boyfriend, which isn't the case at all. There is definitely something wrong. I don't know if I can fix it by myself. As I type this.. I am in one room, and he is sleeping in the other. He is frustrated with me. He thinks I don't love him anymore.

I do. I love him, and I want to fix this.. I just don't know how. I feel very lost, and broken. I want to make him happy. I want us to be happy together, but that isn't going to happen if we're not even in the same room.

I don't want him to give up on me.. On us.

Yes, I am crazy!

Tonight at work we had a conversation about how people think our store is haunted. It made me think about a lot of things. My mom told me that when I was little I would walk around like I was holding someones hand. I remember clearly looking out the window and talking to my dad. I was very young when he committed suicide, but always felt a strong connection with him. I think that 'hauntings' or whatever you might call them happen to people that open their mind to it. I think that childhood behavior was something I did out of a longing for my dad, and I think that in my little girl brain I opened up to something that has stayed with me forever. Call me crazy. I've had many experiences that are unexplainable. When I was 11 my great uncle boochie passed away. They found his car on the side of the road in south georgia. It was burnt, and he was still in the drivers seat. My mom, aunt, and I drove down to go to his funeral, and while sitting at a red light I looked over, and saw him sitting in the back seat of a car beside us. He smiled at me, and my whole body felt numb. The car drove away, and when we caught up to it at the next stop light there was no one in the back seat. I kept that to myself for a long time.
Then I started seeing this older woman. I would always see her standing in the doorway to a bathroom. I could never make out her face or anything. It just felt like she was watching me. One morning my mom came running in my room, screaming. She described the woman/figure I had been seeing for months. After that day I never saw her again. I've also experienced a darker side of things. My cousin, and I were at six flags and a guy walked past us with no expression on his face and said 'someone is going to die tonight'. It freaked us both out so we decided to go back to my apartment. When we got there, there were two movies standing up in the middle of the room. My two cats were sitting on opposite sides of the room just staring at it. We decided that we would go to her parents house, and as we walked to my car the lights along the sidewalk went out as we passed them. The next day I had a guy friend come with me to my apartment to make sure everything was ok. He stayed the night. When it got dark the power went out so I lit some candles. With no wind, or power to anything, they blew out. As we searched in the dark to light them again the power came back on. The walls looked like there was blood splatter on them. Needless to say, I didn't live there much longer. True story.

I also think that some people are connected to each other. There are people you meet that are supposed to be a part of your life. There is an unspoken bond of the souls. I have two best friends, Bobby, and Shanna. Shanna and I have been friends forever. We have been to hell and back. We have had times in our life where we didn't talk for a year straight. Shanna never met Bobby, or even knew much about him. When he killed himself I felt it in the pit of my stomach. I doubled over in pain, and to be honest with you, I lost my mind. At the time of his death, Shanna and I had not spoken for a year. She emailed me the day after he died asking me if I was ok. She felt like something was wrong. About six months after Bobby died I had a dream that I was driving. I had no idea where I was going, but I looked in my rear view mirror, and I saw Bobby. He was playing the guitar. I don't know what he was singing. I asked him where we we're going, and he replied 'you'll understand in the morning'. The next day Shanna emailed me and told me that she and her boyfriend were having problems, and she had asked him to move out. She said she missed me a lot and wanted to know if I would move to Vegas, and live with her.. So here I am. I know anyone reading this is thinking I am batshit crazy, but these are honestly things that I've experienced. I totally believe in spirits, or whatever you want to call them. I didn't even mention the REALLY bizarre stuff!

Changes

Since July of last year I've been trying to get my life, as a whole in order. I've lost 45 pounds. I've made a conscience decision to pick my battles. Just trying to overall be a happier person. Its not easy by any stretch of the imagination. It is a lot easier than being sad all the time though. I have a tough exterior, but I wear my heart on my sleeve. I've been known to let the small things bother me. I have a lot of deep seeded issues that won't go away overnight. I've had my fair share of the negative side of things. I am not a victim, and I refuse to let any bad things or sadness from the past hold me back. When I turned 27 a lot of things seemed to come together in my head. I started going to the gym, and dieting. I hate the word diet. I should just say I've tried to change my eating habits. I come from a long line of diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease.. You name it. I never thought that stuff would bother ME. I've always been the type of person, that if I wanted something I would do it. Didn't care or even think about the effects. When I got pregnant with my son, I had recently lost 80 pounds. I didn't do it the most healthy way and a lot of it had to do with depression. After my son was born I was so wrapped up in him that I honestly, just let myself go. I wasn't worried about how I looked (or how badly I was treating my body) because the only place I went was work, and home to be with my beautiful little munchkin. After two and a half years of being a mom, I weighed the most I've ever weighed. I started thinking about all the 'what ifs' and to be honest with you.. I want to be around to nag my son for as long as possible. I have a weight loss goal of another 40 pounds. I will not get upset, or depressed if I don't reach that goal by a certain date. I just know, that I am doing this because I deserve to be happy. My son deserves a mom that is happy so that I can be the best mom that I can possibly be for him. AND I deserve to be around to nag him when he's screwing up, because I know how bad I was as a teenager! He's going to make me PAY!!

Vacation coming to an end

I'm on vacation in Georgia with my son. We are having a good time. We have seen most of the family, and have plans to see the rest of them before we leave on saturday. I had all sorts of things planned to do but the weather has been rainy and a lot of things are outdoors. I don't want to end up with a sick little one that I have to fly with. We have been to eat at lots of yummy places that we don't have in Vegas (Krystals, The waffle house, Zaxbys, Rockys, THE VARSITY, etc.) I've taken him to the city park a couple times, and to the megamaze indoor 3 story playground. We also went to the Georgia Aquarium. Mostly we've just been hanging out together, and relaxing! As our time here comes to an end reality is setting in. We're going home to a daddy/boyfriend that no longer has his job. I won't go into too many details, but the day after we left my boyfriend got paid. His paycheck was something a bachelor couldn't survive on. $140 for two weeks worth of work. Since my boyfriend was the main bread winner (starbucks is not a place to work if you wanna get rich!) I'm trying to think of things to cut out to help lessen the load. We are lucky in that our house is paid for, but there is still a lot of overhead to cover. What are some things you've cut back on or cut out completely? We have been lucky so far with the economic downturn, but I know we're about to face some tough times. We'll make it through it!